Marriage and Special Needs

Very interesting discussion on FB today regarding a painful topic. 

 

On one of our support group pages, a mother wrote for advice.  She asked if anyone who was married or had a partner still felt like they were dealing with “this” alone.  She felt like she was doing all the tough work – behavior, meetings, appointments, night waking, etc.  Yes, it’s hard when the father is like one of the children.  The response was overwhelming.  I was not surprised.

 

I read in one Jenny McCarthy’s books about a group conversation she had with a bunch of autism moms.  She asked them if they could afford it, would they stay married.  Most of them said no.

 

Personally, I would stay in my marriage, but “this” definitely is a big challenge to a relationship.  We’re in a really good place now, but there has been a lot of stress on the journey.  We adapt, and although it takes time, we work through it.  I am not surprised a lot of couples don’t make it – and I make that statement with love and no judgment.  It’s hard!

 

Many women on the FB site complained about never getting a break – which is so valid.  Their men get nights out, weekends away; so commonly the women do not.  We all need sanity time. 

 

I thank God for theatre.  I really think that makes a big difference for us.  It’s something we can do that’s not all about autism.  It helps us retain a piece of ourselves, who we are, who we were before “this” became the focus of our lives.  Now one of our sons has joined us, becoming a theatre person.  He loves being on stage and loves seeing us on stage.  The arts are wonderful for kids on the spectrum and I am so grateful we are able to bring theatre into his life.

 

I have met many single moms at my kids’ school.  I don’t want to generalize men.  Lots of fathers step up and do their share.  There’s also a lot of guys who just can’t handle it.  It can be said that women are naturally better at nurturing and have more patience.  That’s a generalization too.  I have also met more than a few special needs grandparents raising the child because both the mom and dad couldn’t handle it. 

 

One of the dads spoke up on the FB site stating guys are not suited for nursing and that they are generally raised to only protect and provide for their family.  This sparked quite a lot of comments from the moms.  This concept gets complicated when you consider all the mothers that work yet still play the nurturing domestic role.  That’s a lot to have on your plate, and it’s something all working women deal with, not just special needs.

 

This is a painful topic that I almost didn’t write about for that reason.  Special needs is a journey for the whole family.  We have to remember to breathe, not judge each other, and take it all one day at a time.  That may sound trite, but some days, it's all I can do.