July 14, 2006

Reflecting on six years ago.  It was an easy pregnancy, despite gestational diabetes and taking care of my other baby, Sean.  Sean was only 8 months old when I got pregnant again.  The baby’s gender was undetermined at the ultrasound because the cord was bunched up between his legs.  He hasn’t been that modest since! The doctor predicted it was a girl.  As soon as I found out I was pregnant, Tim said that if it was a boy, he wanted him to be named Todd, after Tim’s brother who died as an infant.  Personally, I like the name because of the complex character of Todd Manning from One Life to Live (and now General Hospital).  My Dad didn’t like the name because of Bill Murray’s character Todd, who was the boyfriend of Gilda Radner’s Lisa Loopner.  I figured kids of Todd’s generation wouldn’t be familiar with those characters anyway.

When he was about a week old, I took him for a check-up.  The pediatrician was concerned that he had lost weight, was listless and a bit yellow.  He had me go over to Hope Children’s Hospital to get Todd’s bilirubin checked.  Good thing we did.  He was seriously jaundiced.  He was also severely dehydrated.  I had been trying to breast feed him, but apparently my breasts don’t produce enough milk.  I’m a D cup, who knew? Todd and I stayed in the hospital for a week.  He was laid in what looked like a tanning bed with tanning bed type goggles over his eyes that he kept yanking off.  He really hated the IV, too.  They had to anchor it to his little arm with a splint because he kept pulling the needle out.

Of course I was still hormonal and blamed myself and my incompetent breasts for making my baby sick.  All that was put into perspective very quickly.

The only room Hope Children’s had for us was in the cancer ward.  Over that week, I was both heartbroken and amazed at the strength of these kids’ spirits, as well as their parents.  I spent time with several parents in the vending machine area, which was also the only place you could use your cell phone.  In that room are wall art tiles in honor of Hope cancer kids who made it and in memory of kids who didn’t.

In that area of the hospital, the visiting hours are very lax.  Both my family and my in-laws stayed late into the evening with us.  Several times that week I heard a “code blue” and it was so awful knowing it was for a little kid.  One night the nurse was late bringing me some formula for Todd.  She apologized saying, “one of my cancer kids has a nose bleed and that’s never a good thing.” I so admire people who work in that area of medicine.  I couldn’t do it.  I’d be crying constantly. 

Todd got better and we went home.  I was very grateful my child was otherwise very healthy.  Now he has autism.  He’s not suffering physically.  I worry about his future, but I know he has a chance at one. To this day, every time I drive past Hope Children’s, I say a prayer for the wonderful staff, parents and all the kids that are patients there.